Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Solution & Problem


Chemical solution? No. As an engineering student, I have been dealing with mathematics, physics, mechanics and thermodynamics.  They all have got problems.
I am not talking about any such kind of problem, solving them for years I am sick. I am sick.
I have the hope to visit London, England. It is a beautiful place. Yet I visit it everyday. And for last ten days I visit very frequently thanks to dysentery.  Ye, I term toilet as ‘London’. You cannot go there always. The British   ruled our country for a long time. At least show them some respect.
For last ten days 12 to 14 times a day to London, my frail body has become very weak. From lower abdomen to toe every part of body in the region is aching with severe pain. Unable to eat anything, nothing is going through mouth into the stomach. I saw the doctor, ate the prescribed medicines and did whatever I was capable of. Still not helping. I broke into tears, can bear the pain no more. Being unable walk and go anywhere I missed three exams.
It has shattered my courage.  In 3 to 4 days people break in dysentery.  I am in that situation for last 10 days. I was in better condition just for a day due to the medicines but the condition is same again as before.
Again to doctor. I prayed God, which I at least never do for myself. This time I had to be selfish. I cried. Nothing happened.
Then I got a solution. The knife for cutting fruits was lying on my table. I took it in my hands, with my head down. I thought death is the supreme friend. Let me slit my throat and rest in peace after the momentary pain.
I was a very courageous person till now, can try anything. But others have the courage to live at any situation and I lack that. A real coward I am.
Suicide, human beings commit in many situations. I have read a lot about it. I am forced by the circumstances.
What else can I do? Cannot withstand such terrible pain, lying in bed, unable to walk and eat.
So decided to end up the miserable condition. I am brave enough to do that.  But a lot of things stopped me. Attachments. They are real troubles. The hopes of my parents, my own dreams, what happens to them if I die? Ok, I can murder my dreams with myself.
My parents? They grew me up for 22 years, I cannot escape like that. I will kill their desires and dreams with myself?
With permission?  Let me ask my parents that I want to suicide. How would they feel I don’t know?
I have high hopes, bigger dreams.  In life I want to do something significant.  But all will be burnt with me, if I die.
The solution came with hell lot of problems. Seriously ill I am. Don’t know what will be the consequences. Diseases are good at installments; a full package is very dangerous. In 7 to 8 years I am suffering like this.
Tears drifted down my cheeks and fell on the bed sheet and they disappeared. No one bothers where they went. I came on earth like a common man, everyday babies are born. Never had I wished to die being a common man, like the tear.
Mother Earth, I am grateful to you. Dreams, desires, hopes take birth on earth, they grow bigger and bigger, no matter how high they reach, return to the same earth again.
I may die. But don’t want to be hopelessly hopeful.
Still, if I die, please send me back to earth again to be reborn.
(on 28th March I wrote it being helpless and hopeless)
Hope drives man insane and after 25 days of suffering I am alive.

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